Do You Argue, Disagree and Fight Fairly?

When someone says/writes something you are upset about or do not like or agree with, how do you respond? Look carefully at the diagram to the left and see at what level of the triangle you usually resort to. The lower levels are reactive, impulsive, defensive and offensive, while the higher levels are fair, well thought out and reasoned responses. Here is a detailed explanation of each level.

For instance, when arguing or disagreeing, do you say, write or think:

• "You're so stupid"? (This is the lowest level: Name Calling.)
• "You are unspiritual, proud, immature and jealous"? (Ad hominem [which means "Against the man"].)
• "I don't like the critical way you write/speak"? (Responding to Tone.)
• "I disagree"? (Contradiction.)

Such lower level responses are dismissive, rude and quite offensive, because you refuse to hear what the other person is actually saying or writing. It remains at an emotional level. It never promotes a true and genuine dialogue.

Move up the ladder and see if you can improve the way you respond to disagreements. This is not easy for many people because it requires a lot of work and much humility and the willingness to acknowledge that you may be wrong, or that your opponent is right. But when you do you and others you disagree with will be able to have an adult mature dialogue, and be more open to others not like you.